Seriously…

Life…

I’m wasting time I could be using to finish school. Yeah, I say I’m graduated. I should be. But I’m not. I’m working on that.

There’s so many things I want for my life but it seems like too much. Like I’ll never be able to do all of it. One of my fears is having kids then not being able to go on those travels I want to go on, or own that small bakery/cafe/bookstore I dream of, or live my life in music and books.
When I say music and books I don’t mean sitting around listening to dubstep and reading apocalyptic young adult books.
I mean creating music. Composing it and playing great piano or harp pieces. I mean reading all the great classics like Jane Austen and Charles Dickens and not only reading them but having my own library full of books.

I love kids and I’d love to have my own. I’d love to adopt. I’d love to raise my kids differently. Raise them to love being outside, to love reading and creating things, to be respectful and selfless. Raise them in a way that they are an inspiration to others. Teach them to love life and not take so much for granted.
I don’t want them to grow up depending on smartphones, tablets, television,and video games for entertainment. I don’t want them to grow up without an imagination and a passion for something…

I take that back. Having kids and not being able to do what I want and have a passion for before I grow old isn’t one of my fears. My kids will be my passion. Even then that’s still a big maybe. I don’t know if I’ll have kids. I might never met the right guy for me. I might met him today. I might already know him.

I fear being stuck in one place. Living the same year over and over. Being stuck with a job I’m not passionate about because I need money. I don’t fear death. Many people fear death. I fear not living while I’m alive. I fear losing the people who mean the most to me.

Life is a big maybe. A big question. I like it but I don’t like it. It makes things hard. It makes things interesting. Some people know what they want to do, live that life and are satisfied by it. Some people know what they want to do,live that life and aren’t satisfied by it. Some people have absolutely no clue where they’re going and live life to the fullest, inspiring others.

I don’t know where I’m going or whats going to happen and it freaks me out sometimes. But life is an adventure. It’s different for everyone. I just need to take a chill pill sometimes and stop worrying about it all.

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